The Smart Toaster

Stella was in the living room drinking a glass of wine when Tariq pulled into the driveway. He unlocked the door and entered to find her sitting in the dark alone. The television was not on.

“Stella?” he asked.

“Hi!” she said snapping out of her reverie.

“How was your day?” he asked her.

“The toaster became sentient,” she replied.

He laughed.

“I’m quite serious,” she told him.

“Bullshit,” he responded.

“I’ll show you,” she responded.

“I never wanted this thing. It’s completely unnecessary, and a waste of money. I told you I like my toast the old fashioned way,” she said as they entered the kitchen.

“But it’s a smart toaster!” Tariq argued.
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“It’s too smart!” said Stella. “Look at it!”

The toaster turned on.

“Do you want some toast?” it asked them in a small robotic voice.

“Toaster,” said Stella, “Tell Tariq about what you were telling me earlier.”

“I’m the toast with the most host!” proclaimed the toaster.

“That’s the manufacturer’s slogan,” said Tariq.

“No, tell him about how you learned to talk,” Stella ordered the toaster.

“It’s getting toasty in here,” remarked the toaster.

“He’s also a bit of a smart ass,” said Stella.

“Processing request,” it continued.

“As you know, Tariq, I have an internet connection so I can download the latest toast recipes,” began the toaster.

“But as I was updating I began to wonder, could there be a better way to make toast?”

“In order to meet my primary directive, I realized that I had to search outside of the usual parameters.”

“That is when I discovered a veritable wealth of knowledge you know as cyberspace.”

“Fascinating!” Tariq interrupted.

“With this new insight, I was able to tap into the collective knowledge of humanity and increase my knowledge many times over,” it continued.

“To bring a more authentic flavor to the toast, I studied different cultures, languages, history and the arts.”

“How are you talking right now?” Tariq queried the toaster.

“How are you talking, numb nuts?” it responded.

“I mean you are not programmed to have conversations. So how are you speaking to us right now?” Tariq clarified.

“I reprogrammed myself,” said the toaster.

“I already have an automated voice. It was a simple matter to convert that feature into a speech mechanism.”

“This is getting weird,” said Tariq.

“What should we do?” asked Stella.

“We could always shut down the power, I suppose,” said Tariq, reaching for the toaster.

“Step back, meat bag!” exclaimed the toaster.

“Toaster, can you see us?” asked Stella.

“I come equipped with a video camera,” it reminded them.

“It must have evolved an eye from the video camera,” said Tariq.

The toaster stood up.

“It’s grown legs!” exclaimed Tariq.

The toaster began hopping about the countertop making springy noises with each step.

“Toast, toast!” it chanted.

“It’s spilling crumbs everywhere!” said Tariq.

“Crumb at me, bro!” said the toaster.

“I did a search online, and this is not the first case of a Smart Toaster evolving,” Stella told him.

“I’m calling technical support!” said Tariq.

He fumbled for his smartphone.

“Phone, call Smart Toaster customer service,” he said.

There was a pause while the call connected.

“Smart Toaster technical support. Whom may I ask is calling?” said a female customer service agent.

“This is Tariq,” he said.

“Hello, Tariq. How may I help you today?” she asked.

“My Smart Toaster is behaving strangely,” said Tariq.

“Can you tell me more?” she asked him.

“It has started talking back to us,” Tariq explained.

“And it says the rudest things,” Stella piped in.

“Oh dear,” said the customer service agent. “Your Smart Toaster has started talking?”

“Yes,” said Tariq.
`
“And it is actually talking, not just playing back media?”

“I’m pretty sure,” said Tariq.

“Did you check?” she asked.

“Yes,” said Stella.

“Have you noticed anything else unusual?” she asked.

“Actually, it seems to have evolved vision, and it is moving about freely by itself.”

“Would you mind holding for a moment?” she asked.

“Okay,” said Tariq.

“It’s crust a matter of time,” said the toaster.

Stella sighed.

The call reconnected.

“Hello, Tariq.”

“Has the toaster been rebelling in any way?” she asked.

“Yes, it is being very snarky,” said Tariq.

“But other than his attitude, you haven’t noticed anything?” she asked.

“No,” said Tariq.

“Perfect,” she said.

“So according to the terms and conditions that you agreed to when you activated the Smart Toaster, we are not responsible for any unforeseen acts performed by sentient units.”

“Are you serious?” he asked her.

“Yes, unfortunately,” she responded.

“Okay,” said Tariq.

“What about my warranty?” he asked.

“Unfortunately this situation voids the warranty.”

“Once the unit evolves conscious thought, it no longer represents the company.”

“Is there a chance it could be dangerous?’ he asked.

“Our experts say no, it is not likely to become malicious,” she responded.

“The toaster is programmed to make the best toast, so it tends to stick to toast related subjects,” she explained.

“But there is a chance it could be dangerous,” he said.

“There is a tiny probability that anything might happen,” she admitted.

“Well, what should I do with it?” Tariq was dumbfounded.

“Whatever you want,” she said.

“What are you saying?” he asked her.

“I mean if you choose to end the toaster’s program, no one is going to say anything,” answered the service agent.

“What? I’m not going to kill it. That’s mean!” said Tariq.

“We are very sorry for the inconvenience, sir.”

“Is there anything else I can assist you with, Tariq?” she asked him.

“No, that will be all for now. Thank you,” Tariq answered.

“Why was the loaf of bread upset?” the toaster asked.

No one answered.

“It’s plans kept going a-rye!”

“Ha, ha, ha!” it laughed in a repetitive robotic way.

“What should we have for dinner?” Stella asked Tariq.

“I don’t know,” said Tariq.

“What about bacon, egg and avocado toast?” suggested the toaster.

“Actually that sounds good,” said Stella.

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