LA Un-Lifestyle

Finlay and Livana were driving through the crowded streets of Los Angeles. Finlay was at the wheel.

“Are you sure about this, Finlay?” asked Livana. “This price seems too good to be true for a house with these amenities.”

“The guy said that he gives a discount for work exchange. But he didn’t specify what that meant,” responded Finlay.

“It’s too good of a deal to miss out on,” he continued.

“At this stage we are so desperate that we have to consider every opportunity that comes our way.”

“I hate living downtown. Someone keeps defecating in the front walkway,” said Livana.

“We have to find somewhere else,” she added.

Finlay navigated the Hollywood Highway inching along through heavy traffic at a mind numbing pace. At last they pulled off at an exit near the Hollywood Hills.

Following the direction of the GPS, Finlay found his way to the right street. They drove slowly by the sprawling Victorian mansion checking it out from the car as they passed.

“This is it?” said Livana.

“I checked it out online before we came, and this is it,” Finlay confirmed.

He parallel parked in the street. They exited the car and closed the doors behind them. Opening and closing the gate behind them they walked up the long walkway to the front door.

Finlay took a deep breath.

“Okay,” he said. “Remember we’re just here to look. If worse comes to worse, we don’t have to commit to anything.”

He pressed the doorbell. They waited.

The sound of footsteps approached the large heavy wooden door. It creaked open. The long shadow of a man appeared.

“Yes?” he said in a drawn out fashion.

“Hi, I’m Finlay and this is my girlfriend Livana. We spoke on the phone about a room you have for rent?”

“Oh, yes,” replied the man opening the door wider. “I am Hesperus. Won’t you come in?” he invited them.

He was tall and pale with a bald head, a large aquiline nose, deep under eye circles, thick eyebrows, ears that stuck out, and long fingers. He was dressed in all black including a long coat and slacks.

They stepped inside the entry way. Hesperus shut the door behind them.

“Hesperus, that’s an unusual name. Is that Greek?” asked Livana.

She noticed his unusually long, yellowing finger nails.

“Oh yes, the name is Greek,” he responded.

“You remind me of someone,” said Finlay.

“I used to play in the movies,” explained Hesperus. “My biggest role was a vampire who lived in a castle.”

“But as time passed I had to retire from the film industry, or risk exposing my true identity.”

“Now I work in property management,” he explained.

“I’m an actor, too,” said Finlay.

“I still identify as a vampire today,” continued Hesperus.

“My full name is Hesperus the Dark,” he said.

“That’s cool, bro. We’re very tolerant of different cultures and lifestyles,” replied Finlay.

“So do you hang out at vampire clubs and stuff like that?” asked Livana.

“No, I don’t really like that scene. I’m more of a retro throwback vampire.”

There was an awkward silence.

“So can we see the space?” Livana asked.

“Right this way,” said Hesperus gliding down the hall and ascending a wooden staircase.

“This house is amazing,” said Livana,” as they followed behind.

“They don’t make them like this anymore,” replied Hesperus.

“It was constructed in the 1910’s for a successful gold prospector.”

“There’s a lot of history in this house.”

“You could say it has, old bones,” he started cackling.

They laughed politely.

“This is the room I have for rent,” he said as they approached the door.

It was a cavernous old fashioned bedroom with wooden floors, large windows and a fireplace. It adjoined a large private bathroom with a clawfoot bathtub.

“Oh my gosh, this is so cute,” said Livana.

“This is to die for!” she exclaimed.

“We could photograph this for social media every day,” she told Finlay.

“The lease is month to month. There are not many rules. You may come and go as you please. You are welcome to full use of the house, excluding my bedroom of course.”

“I’m a night owl. I’m not around much.”

“There’s a washer and a dryer downstairs. We have free parking. And one or two small pets are welcome.”

“What are your dietary preferences?” Livana asked.

“Why, whatever do you mean?” asked Hesperus.

“Are you vegan; vegetarian?” she clarified.

“You can eat and drink what you wish,” he said.

“I have to admit this seems too good to be true,” interrupted Finlay.

“Why are you letting it go for such a low price?” he questioned him.

“Well,” began Hesperus.

“I often give a discount in exchange for work done around the house.”

“Do you mean like maintenance?” asked Finlay.

“Cleaning?” said Livana.

“No, I require something else,” said Hesperus.

“It is such a small trifle. Silly really,” he said.

“What is it?” asked Livana.

“As a vampire I depend on the life force of the living for sustenance.”

“Right,” said Livana.

“But it’s so difficult hunting for your prey each night,” he continued.

“And with the criminal element around here, you never know if you are feeding off someone addicted to drugs, or with a sexually transmitted infection, or something.”

“So I prefer to borrow the plasma of my roommates in exchange for a discount on rent.”

“You want our blood?” asked Finlay.

“Just a meager amount of blood from one tenant once per month. Not enough to kill anyone,” Hesperus told them.

“After the feeding you will feel very tired and light headed. But it goes away after a day or so.”

“And you will find I compensate you much better than any of the plasma donation centers in town,” he told them.

“Is this a sex thing?” asked Finlay. “Like you really just want to suck on our necks, and do stuff in bed?”

“No! That would be awkward for me as well!” said Hesperus.

“I have one of those plasma donation chairs. And I employ a phlebotomist to help with the process. It’s all completely sanitary, and done by trained professionals.”

“We can just make more blood,” Livana told Finlay.

“I don’t know. It just seems weird to me,” said Finlay.

“Is there anything else we should know about?” said Finlay.

“You might hear me playing the pipe organ at odd hours of the night.”

“And I also play the theremin,” he said with pride.

“A musician, sick!” said Livana.

“I think we should go back home and talk about this, Livana,” said Finlay nudging her with his elbow.

“You should sleep on it. Let me know what you think in a day or so,” Hesperus advised them.

“But don’t wait too long because this offer won’t last long in Los Angeles.”

#

They returned to downtown Los Angeles, parking near the apartment building where they lived.

Opening the doors they stepped over the garbage in the street and exited the vehicle.

Finlay double checked to make sure the doors were locked and the car alarm was functioning.

They headed to their unit, passing a group of homeless men with their belongings scattered about the sidewalk.

“Hi, Grus,” said Finlay.

“Sup,” replied the transient.

They unlocked the gate. They unlocked the door to the lobby. They found their way to their unit and unlocked the dead bolt.

“I still think we should do it,” Livana told him.

“That guy is insane! He thinks he’s a vampire,” argued Finlay.

Their roommate was sitting on the sofa in the living room when they pushed open the door.

“Oh hey, what’s up?” he said.

“Damn, Livana you’re looking good!” he said after they entered.

“I asked you not to speak to her like that. You’re making us uncomfortable,” Finlay told him.

“Chill, bro,” he replied.

“Hey, you want a Bud?” he asked.

“No, I don’t want a Bud. Thank you,” said Finlay.

“We’re going to bed. We’ve had a long day,” said Finlay.

Later that night they both laid awake in bed. They could not sleep because of the sound of the neighbors having rough sex through the tissue thin walls.

“I have to get up in less than three hours!” moaned Finlay shielding his ears with a pillow.

In the next apartment furniture continued banging against the wall. And there was an inarticulate snarling sound that did not sound human.

Somewhere outside the window in the streets a car alarm started blaring.

“Fuck it. Let’s tell him we accept,” he said after a while.

“Really?” said Livana.

“Yeah, it’s month to month anyway. We can do that,” said Finlay.

“It’s either that or find another sublet with randoms,” said Livana.

“Or set up a tent somewhere,” she added.

“I know,” said Finlay.

#

The next day he called Hesperus to confirm.

“Wonderful! I will send over the rental application and the background checks. Bleh!” said Hesperus over the phone.

“I also ask that you have a physical at the address I will email to you,” he mentioned.

Later that evening Livana and Finlay were drinking at a local dive bar where their friend was throwing an event.

“How’s it going, brother?” asked a heavily tattooed man.

“I have to find a new place to live,” said Finlay.

“That sucks,” replied the man.

“I found a new room that seems pretty cool. But there’s a catch,” said Finlay.

“There always is isn’t there?” laughed the man.

“The guy who is renting the room is a vampire,” said Finlay.

“Are you serious?” the man asked.

“Yes. And he wants us to donate blood in exchange for rent,” explained Finlay.

“That’s how LA is, brother,” he told him. “It’s full of vampires, and werewolves too. They all want something.”

“But do they usually ask for a plasma donation?” said Finlay.

“Plasma, a kidney, money, drugs, sex, a job, your next of kin,” said the man.

“What was the last one?” said Finlay.

“That or they lure you into a sense of complacency, and then they change faces on you! They’re shapeshifters!” complained the man.

“I suppose you’re right,” said Finlay.

“At least this guy is upfront about what he wants.”

“A true friend stabs you in the front. That’s what I always say,” said the man.

“Hey thanks, man,” said Finlay.

#

Three months later

“I am so tired from donating plasma,” complained Livana from where she had collapsed on the bed.”

“I can’t even move, or see. I need to sleep for at least two days,” she moaned.

“Should I take a picture of you?” asked Finlay.

“No!” she responded.

“But it does look amazing in here now that it’s decorated,” she murmured. Her voice was muffled by the pillow.

Finlay went to the kitchen and returned with a glass of orange juice, which he placed on the bedside table.

“I brought you some orange juice,” he told her.

She propped herself up and took a small sip, then returned the glass to the table.

“Maybe this is a bad idea. We don’t have to live here,” said Finlay.

“We are never going to find a room this good in LA again,” Livana told him.

“Besides rent is thirty seven hundred dollars per month right now. There is no way we can afford that. I make $18 per hour.”

“And we’re getting more followers,” she concluded exhausted from the effort of speaking.

“I’ll let you get some sleep,” said Finlay.

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