No cultural movement has ever been so identified with by a generation as health goth. But what are some good health goth exercises?
It’s not easy to be health goth because there is a risk of the endorphins released from exercise cheering you up. There are all these fitness instructors giving you high energy advice to stay positive and smile. And the vast majority of gyms do not even have programs that cater to health goths. Maybe you need some noncompetitive activities such as these, except for the last one.
1. Running in the rain (and sobbing).
If you just got laid off there’s no reason to stay in bed and cry all day when you could be doing it in the cold, hard rain. In the UK many famous celebrities have been photographed by the Daily Mail as they jog in all black during a rainstorm, including Helen Flanagan, Nicole Kidman and Gerri Haliwell. Notice how they break up the monotony of an all black running ensemble with colorful running sneakers, which is considered acceptable attire to health goths.
2. Doing yoga and listening to industrial techno.
Music is a big part of yoga class, and yoga studios actually have to pay for a license from the ASCAP. The soundtrack to a yoga class has to be low key enough to not distract anyone from the true intention of their practice. So you may as well throw on some droning, repetitive techno beats, and of course wear all black yoga outfits. Maybe yoga shorts and a chopped up concert tee.
3. Volunteering at a cemetery.
I haven’t really looked into this, but I imagine that groundskeeper work at a cemetery is a great form of aerobic exercise. There’s raking leaves, digging holes, scaring away grave robbers and moving coffins around the graveyard. You even get short bursts of anaerobic exercise whenever you lift a tombstone. They will probably want to run a solid background investigation on you to make sure you’re not a sexual deviant or anything though.
4. Goth aerobic dancing.
Everyone knows from South Park that goths love to dance, but in this case you don’t have to take a puff of your cigarette each time. It’s not that far of a leap to choreograph some kind of health goth aerobic dance routine, provided the music is depressing enough, and everyone wears black.
5. Doing t’ai chi in a dark forest.
Balance on a stump in the woods all day if you want to, just don’t get attacked by some random drifter while you’re at it. The forest is not just for vampires and werewolves, which don’t exist, it was a symbol of evil and the unknown in early American history, like during Puritan times. It’s also a great photo opp since black clothes look cool against the background of greenery.
6. Swimming at night (in a pool).
We already know from movies and television that swimming in a pool at night is pretty bad ass. There is no sun to bake the healthy gothy pallor from your skin, or give you wrinkles. You can drink alcohol and maybe grill some free range chicken breasts and organic vegetables to make it a pool party. We recommend using a man made body of water, as it is safer to swim in at night.
7. Hosting a Gothic fight club.
Fight clubbing seems like it would be health goth, in that it’s kind of scary and everyone gets plenty of exercise. Also in Gothic times in Europe people used to have sword fights and duels. Perhaps you could start a health goth club at your local boxing gym or fencing studio.
Cover photo by ABVHVN.